Lately I have been sitting in bed thinking about my life, playing it out, of what has happened and what can happen. I think about people, and how our friendship is going. I think about how much I would Die if they ever moved. I Think of what would happened if i moved. I think about how mad my stupid dad can make me. How much me and my mom can get along….Sometimes I cant sleep, just thinking, Mostly good, and sometimes its sad. Thinking about if i would have done things differently, would things be the way they are? Thinking if i could just change  one moment?? Yes or no?? Then i think about the past, it makes me smile, then sad cuz i dont have what i use too.  Then i think about some choices I made. Things i did that were harsh. I think about how long people can put up with me. although they dont want too…..LOL

I think about how much i have changed, how much i have become a hypicrite. I said one thing and by accident  I did one thing. HOw much i should learn from not mistakes, but hard lessons i would have to accept….Sometimes it’s easy and sometime I cry……Then i think about Jonathan… Good thing no one knows him… HEs like 24 and married, but has become one of my closest friends. I trust him with my life,a nd i cant say i do that for many people. I mean maybe I trust them with my secrets btu not my life…..HE is so cool and i would love just to hang out with him. I thnk about Dan and how he smiles at me, thinking maybe i do have a chance with him…..He has a great smile. Then i think about someone I like @ school and how much i shouldnt but i do and i cant chage that …….

-ash

I did alot of think so far of this weekend…I mean i have alot on my mind. Its nothing like dramatic, but you be the judge…. I mean i thought i had things figured out to only find I was so wrong…..Now like i know i am going through moods, and usually i explain why, but you know what I DONT HAVE TOO. I mean i am NOT mad. More like bummed and confused. For me its not making me something i am not, Its making me something i am….Like that might not make sence, but it does in my head….Like i told someone once..when i do thinking like deep thinknig I clean.OMG my room is spotless…And like i am finding more things i can clean. I am still grounding which sucks. I havent been grounded in a LONG time.  So  therefor i HATE it….I might not be able to go to sadies which isnt a big deal, but i do want to go. And ya, i’ll update later or something

outtie-ash

Its funny when things finally seem like they are going to get easy they get a little more complicated. Lately I have been going through numerous amounts of emotions, Like its not like i am pissed, but bummed out. Thats it, maybe shayne is right. Maybe not! i hope he’s not right, but be prepared for the worse.  But life goes on, at the moment that is my mood, and like i have this one type motto going on in my life, but now that i think about it its something i have to over come.

“When Never turns into Forever”
Like it just hit me that like when someone says never they mean FOREVER> and then i start to think about it and thats a long ass time…But nothing too new. Wait something new, Okay my WHOLE family is sick Except me so my grandma is taking me out of the house this weekend. YAY.
Ohh and thanks to kristina for smoothly taking my cookie and taking a bite then stiicking in back in my hand, cuz I might not notice……Ya right……Then to cover it up she gives me a SMUSHED candie, maybe i wouldnt notive that either. …..LOL good times good times….. and she bit me……..
My day is going somewhat okay,…..
-ashes LOL

You know what just came to mind?? Sometimes life sucks, and you cant always have what you want, right? OMG my parents suck, they grounded me cuz i have 2 “c”s and like i think thats hella gay. But whatever,and i dont know if i am going to go to sadies, THomas ruined it,but what ever it was for the best right?? I am sorda mad, but he got me back for what i did right? so ya, When never turns into forever, thats when it all sinks in

THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE:

Kiss someone in the rain…

Save a life…

Go to Italy…

Witness a miracle…

Own a Ford Freestyle

Dance on the beach…

Hold a butterfly…

Run through a waterfall…

Read the entire bible…

Perform at least one surgery…(or have one on me)

Truly, deeply fall in LOVE…(this the most)

                             WISH ME LUCK!

WOW!! its been really long since i have last updated. UM…whats new??? Nothing too new, i got over somethings WHICH IS GOOD… Um like friday i went to the movies with LJ and that was fun, we saw Phantom of the Opera, and then Monday Lj, Laura, and I went to see hitch, it was hella funny, or maybe it was more funny cuz i was sitting next to laura. Then we went to perkos, LOL, and like Laura and I were laughing about every other little thing, Somehow everything was funny, and like Lj was laughing so it was alll good. I wish kristina and thomas could have came but they didnt. Like kristina is or was sick, and we couldnt get a hold of thomas, so ya. But i heard he had fun so its all good. I donno….
OMG i am so nervous about my speach. OMG I have 10 days so ya, i have to get started. I am thinking it over and ya know what I HATE PUBLIC SPEAKING!!! I HATE TALKING TO A CROWD. so why did i chose this??? I think at the moment i was thinking i would overcome a fear, Lets hope!! cuz i really want to place whether its 10th or 1st. But ya,. ohh btw, i need 2 people to be there, I mean i can talk infront of you, guys, and like i think it will be good, cuz i could like pretend that i  am just saying it to you. But ya, I’ ll tell you who you are….
Other than that…. There were people that were bothering me, but they dont anymore, its like amazing, one minute i am in a good mood, and then the next SOMEONE puts me in a bad one, But w/e …….. They can NO longer dictate my life, so its all good. Life is good at the moment.
I donno, i guess i have a lot to say. I am changing, whether i am the “good” change on thomas’ site??? who knows whats in his head…LOL. but ya, and like NOW more than ever i am changing, like i was changing, and like then something happened.. And then last night i remembered something that means alot to me and I am changing for them….I am going to be a better person( in  my opinion) but ya, ITS FOR YOU!!! I love you all

-ashes(lol)

Okay someone sent me a candy gram, it has thomas’ name on it, but he wouldnt do something like this. LIke it looks like his handwritting on the name part, but the message, doesnt look like it and it says something he wouldn NEVER say….Kristina says it looks like his handwritting, but I dont know, but whether he sent it or not, atleast i got something right??? Good right??

-ash

Hey.

I havent updated for a while. Nothing too new, just i realized like the last um….4 1/2 weeks i have been (i guess you could say) calm, but like i dont know, it kinda like broke my streak when i like started getting dramatic last week, like it all started wed. all was good till then, and ever since things has been so confusing, like i dont know how i feel, i cant find words, nothing, NOTHING, like its not sad, or mad, its like I just dont know….. I dont know how i feel, i dont knkow what to say, like i just dont know..
I dont want to affend any one either, I just dont, Like ……….AHHHHHHHHHHH………..
the only thing i want is for someone to tell me how i feel, that can, and will save me………..
ash

I am so mad I finally download and NO ONE is online

WTf???

ash

I am updating again cuz i am extreamly bored and like i barley use the internet so i figure i might as well use it now while i can…………..Still bored, What is like just a thought and like i am bored so i’ll share it:
Okay
1)We run from the one thing we want most, cuz maybe we want it so bad that we dont think we deserve it??
Laura told me awhile ago that i run from things that I want, like guys for instance and maybe i do…..
2) We are suppose to feel the emotions, like i mean if someone dies we are suppose to cry, when we fall or get hurt were suppose to cry, when someone tickles you,  your suppose to laugh, if someone does something so dumb its okay to laugh, It someone hits a parked car with there bike(jazzmin) its okay to laugh so hard you begin to cry, but IT not okay when your mom see’s you…
3) LOVE…………………….
I dont even want to start cuz i dont know where too…….. I dont know anything about that topic…

Still really bored……….
ash(again)